Wednesday, June 23, 2010 10:08 AM

Read This Before You Try to Pill Your Cat

I received this email "joke" from my sister-in-law and thought I'd share it. It's true enough to be funny, for sure. Every cat lover has had a cat that was resistant to medicating; ours was Sweet Pea. She wasn't quite as bad as the cat in this story, but then we'd usually quit after step 3! You could get her the first time, but never again...that cat had a memory like a steel trap!

So Funny I Cried!

How to Give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

1 Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.

Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.

Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.

Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

Monday, June 14, 2010 11:04 AM

Make Moving Day Easy on Your Cats

Change is stressful for all of us, and moving ranks right up there with other life changes such as marriage and divorce. While you and your human family members can at least understand what is going on, your cats cannot and feel the stress more acutely. Since more people move during the summer months than at any other time of the year, this seems like a good time to go over some tips to make moving day flow as smoothly as possible, especially for your feline family members.

Keep your cats' things in their normal places as long as possible
. Don't move their beds, feeding stations or litter boxes until the movers arrive (or right before). All the activity of packing will be stressful enough for them without them having to hunt for their food and boxes.

Feed them a light snack the morning of the move,
or nothing at all if they tend to vomit when upset. Give fresh water, of course. If they tend toward nervousness, give them a quarter of a Calms Forte tablet each 2 to 3 hours before the movers are due to arrive. If they are difficult to pill, grind it up and mix with a small amount of their favorite wet food.

When the movers arrive, set the cats up in an empty room with their water, beds and litter box. Frightened cats can get underfoot, causing injury to themselves and others. They may also run out the door in a panic, never to be seen again. Spare them and yourself this trauma by keeping them in a closed room to which no one but you is allowed access. Placing their carriers in this room will make packing them up later easier still.

Pack up your cats and move them separately to the new location, ahead of the movers. Once there, set them up in a room that won't be entered, such as a large bathroom, as far away from the hubbub as possible. Stay with them until the movers arrive, then check on them whenever there is a lull in the action; this will help calm them.

Don't let them out until the movers have gone and outside doors are not being constantly opened and closed. Show them where their boxes are now located, and place their beds and water nearby. Don't feed them until they calm down a bit, or you'll have messes to clean up, for sure.

By the way, this is the perfect time to make changes to their lifestyle, such as making them indoor-only cats if they were not so before. The combination of upheaval and a new environment makes old habits less sticky, making them more open to other changes, as well!
Chat later!

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Amanda has worked with animals for many years and has always had cats in her life. She lives in Massachusetts with her husband and two excellent cats.
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